


The Grand Noble Bloodline

by drelfina



Series: The Reckoning: Symbol of Subjugation Inspired [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Baki is the outsider, Clownfish AU, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Other minor characters - Freeform, Technically Crack, Unfortunate Baki, a symbol of subjugation fanfic, clownfish jutsu, different lines of nation building, except for how it's not crack, how much does suna regret this, how terrifying are the Uchiha?, institutional mimicry vs cultural differences, light touching on different cultures, main pairing is Baki/Shisui, minor Suna Characters I just Made Up, my sense of humour has come baaaaaack, outsider's POV, shisui is madara's great grandchild, suna is basically konoha's closest neighbour, this is far far in the future, tobirama is still dead, why is Konoha so fucking terrifying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:34:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24936874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: As far as Baki can remember, Konoha had always loomed large in the political landscape.There's a reason why Konoha and theUchihaare terrifying in particular.In which Baki encounters Uchiha throughout his life, and each time it'sterrifying.
Relationships: Baki/Uchiha Shisui, OFC/Uchiha Kagami, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara
Series: The Reckoning: Symbol of Subjugation Inspired [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1649584
Comments: 58
Kudos: 259





	The Grand Noble Bloodline

**Author's Note:**

  * For [evocates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evocates/gifts).
  * Inspired by [a symbol of subjugation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21368578) by [evocates](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evocates/pseuds/evocates). 



> I am always going to squint at fandom for this being the _only_ Baki/Shisui fic on AO3. Where are fandom's crack writers?! I am literally the only one paddling this sad pool noodle.
> 
> For evocates: you just blatantly refused to let me choose 金枝玉叶 as a title. i shall pout and fling this fic at you in retaliation.

There was never a time that Konoha hadn't loomed _large_ in his life, even in Sunagakure. 

News was always about what the Hokage had done, what was going on _in_ Konoha, no matter how likely the information that filtered out was probably propaganda or censored in some respect. 

There were entire departments and experts dedicated _to_ Konoha intel. 

Growing up, he hadn't quite noticed, because that was just how it was - but it took him curiously browsing the library to notice the huge stacks that were about fire, water and earth jutsu, and how so many of these examples were Konoha shinobi.

In fact, quite a few of them were _invented_ by Konoha shinobi. 

~~One, in particular~~. 

A lot of the jutsu that they learned were either emulating these jutsu, or _counters_ , particularly the use of wind and particle manipulation to obscure sight. 

It wasn't a surprise, really, why. 

He was perhaps twelve, when he saw his first Uchiha. 

Not those Uchiha on their terrifying Monument, no. 

(The tales of the Gods of Konoha were already scary enough, and of course Konoha would put them on a benighted huge bare cliff-face with all six of their faces, as if no one in the entire world didn't already know who the fuck they were, and couldn't name them off by heart by the time they could speak more than 'tou-san' and 'kaa-san'.) 

It was in Suna, he had just finished school for the day, and then noticed that there was an oddly silent spot in the market. 

The First Market-day of the month was always rowdy, with the tradesmen coming in from Grass, and normally would have been full of everyone trying to shove their way to see the latest goods from Lightning and Grass. 

But there was this weird spot right in the front of the Marketplace and all the adults were a good three feet away from the one weird guy at the stall full of glassware. 

All the kids, except for the absolute tiniest babies, were silent too, catching it from the adults around them, and Baki couldn't see the problem at first. 

It took a bit before he realised that the guy standing there wasn't wasn't wearing a Suna shinobi vest - the colour was too green, almost olive, compared to the typical sandy beige. 

And while the black hair was common, the pale skin - without any of the protective veils or hats! - was almost blinding in how pale he was. 

Baki edged closer and realised that on the back of that flak jacket was the Uzumaki spiral, and the weird star shape on the bicep? A red and white fan. 

_Konoha_. And not just _any_ Konoha nin - it was an _Uchiha_. 

Baki had ran all the way home, heart beating in his throat and not entirely sure why.

* * *

The Uchiha Clan was one of Konoha's founding Clans - see the three terrifying Uchiha on that monument - and whenever Baki's team ever encountered a Konoha team in the wild, all of them had to check whether an Uchiha was present first. Baki wasn't that great a sensor, but the crackling fire of them - nothing like the controlled oven fires, nothing like the few fire affinity shinobi Baki'd worked with in Suna - was distinctive, they had even different _colours_ that half terrified, and half fascinated. 

Because when an Uchiha used katon, they were terrifying in their grace. The sheer control in controlling flame, the temperature - the _colour_ \- there was legend that the Uchiha Clan's smithwork was the finest in all five Great Countries - and the Kazekage's family's heirloom was said to be an Uchiha-made War-fan from before the Founding. 

Who'd be surprised? Their minute and precise control of temperature and _scope_ was to be admired. 

Preferably from a distance. 

From a very, VERY long distance. 

The devastation their best Clan Leader had ever laid to that Village whose name no longer existed was just one showy example.

No. Baki had heard a story from his sensei's colleagues - an Uchiha had laid their hand on their mark's chest and the man had _died_. 

There had been no blood, because every vein and artery, down to the smallest capillary, around the heart, had been precisely and perfectly _cauterized_.

* * *

The first time he'd talked to an Uchiha in their natural habitat, he was facing off a baby-faced Uchiha girl in their arena. 

"Hey, what's your Clan name?" She'd said, straightening her navy jacket, the uchiwa embroidered proudly on her shoulder and flashing in Baki's gaze, dusting silvery-white sand off her hands. 

She was pretty, had thick black hair that curled a little on the ends, and large, pale brown eyes. 

"I don't have one," Baki said. 

"That sucks," she said. "You could come meet my family afterwards." 

Baki who had one year of missions and had encountered Konoha Uchiha five times, all of which had him waking up for a week after in a cold sweat, said, "No, thanks." 

"Pity," she said, "You're cute." 

And then the entire space between her and him caught fire. 

Bloody, crimson fire. 

Because she'd seeded the entire arena with fucking. Powdered. Lithium.

* * *

When he made Chuunin at fourteen he got the first half of his tattoo, fought against a Konoha team with an Uchiha _medic_ , and his first wet-dream. 

First of all, Konoha shinobi were all incredibly pretty, somehow, probably because of their immense power. 

The Uchiha were the _worst_ , stupidly lithe, tremendously powerful, and alluringly _lethal_. Someone had cocked up real bad with Intel which meant that they'd ended up on the same mission _competing_ with the Konoha team, and Baki's team leader had been a complete _idiot_ to try to insist on continuing with the mission _anyway_. 

Baki would spend the next week questioning his loyalties to _stupid people in charge_ , while recovering in medical, fresh tattoos burning his face and his hip permanently ready to tell him about barometric changes. 

And also dreaming of that Uchiha medic and the way his hair was constantly on ghostly blue-green fire. 

His touch had been oddly cool, for an Uchiha, feeling like that burn of ice before Baki's hip had cracked under his goddamn _punch_.

* * *

Everyone had stories about the Uchiha. 

Almost every Konoha team had at least one Uchiha - and they all kept track of them. 

"I think I met your goddamn Hoshi, Hai!" Ryuusha said, sitting down heavily next to Baki. 

Hai rolled his eyes and shoved his flat bread into his bowl of stew. "Why'd you think that?" 

"Tiny little quick fucker?" 

Hai's flat gaze told him it wasn't informative. Every other Uchiha was tiny and quick. They _all_ were fuckers. 

"She used YOUR wind-blade jutsu against ME." 

"Ah," Hai said. "Sorry." 

"You should be! There's a whole reason we have that obscuring jutsu in the first place-!" 

"Next time I'll bring my chakra-storage scrolls." Hai said, sarcastically. 

"Bastard," Ryuusha said. Everyone also knew that chakra-storage wasn't exactly _cheap_. "Next time kick sand in their faces." 

"Sure, in the middle of Grass. That'd work _great_." 

"Throw cow dung at them, then!" 

"You throw cow dung!" 

Baki huffed and continued eating, updating his mental list. Uchiha Hoshi, now a proud possessor of Wind Blade jutsu, as well as a few horrible lightning jutsu. 

Thanks, Hai.

* * *

Suna was technically one of Konoha's allies. They had a _history_ , going back to even before the establishment of Villages. It was probably a time of lawlessness, all the way before the Founding, centuries of different tribes in Wind allying with various clans from Fire - some of the tribal dialects actually sounded a lot more Fire than Wind, at some point. 

But that shared history would probably never be able to prepare Baki for one of their combined escort missions - if only because Suna-nin had experience in the geography of their own borders. While many of the Fire clans had eventually migrated towards _Konoha_ , lush, protected, terrifyingly forested Konoha, there were still many of Suna's tribes that spread out amongst the vast desert geography of Wind. 

Even the mighty Konoha nin had to take help from them _sometimes_. 

But just because they were allies, didn't mean that they _loved_ Konoha. 

"That Hyuuga's creepy as fuck," Hai muttered to Baki. 

Baki said nothing. 

"And arrogant, too," Hai continued, voice low. 

To be honest, that Hyuuga _was_ kind of arrogant, but then Baki heard that they were some sort of noble clan. It was something that Baki still had trouble understanding, because what he could tell of the Hyuuga they didn't have much fostering going on with the actual Daimyo, nor were they directly related to the Uchiha unless in the very, very distant past. Still, that was Fire politics for you, Baki didn't want to know too much. 

"If they don't wish to set up patrols," Baki said, "that is their prerogative." 

"Creepy eyeballs," Hai muttered. 

Not, Baki thought, as terrifying as the Uchiha sharingan. The Hyuuga's eyes merely _looked_ creepy, and in the grand scheme of everything shinobi, barely visible irises weren't that huge a deal, really. 

But if the Hyuuga didn't want to take their advice on how to run patrols in _this_ area, with the local risks? Well. 

It wasn't within their job scope to baby-sit obvious greenhorns. 

And then one of the _non-allied_ tribes attacked that night. 

Suna's history was … a little looser in terms of nation building than Konoha; not every tribe was perfectly happy with being _Suna_ , as opposed to "I just live here, and this is my hunting range, fuck you." Some of those tribes had closer fosterage ties to _Grass_ than to the Suna main tribes, and took their nomadic lifestyles very seriously, down to the raiding for goods, animals, and sometimes brides.

It had been a mess. 

For all that the Hyuuga and his team were technically accomplished, and the Hyuuga's lauded wide field of vision, they were taken by surprise _anyway_. 

Even their vaunted speed couldn't outrun wind if it attacked them from behind, and in the dark, it was hard to anticipate wild combinations of wind, sand, and explosives. 

Baki's team had constantly trained in the dark since they were knee high to sandcats, and the moon-less night wasn't terrible, though Baki could hear his team curse the explosives (both from the raiders, and the idiot young konoha) ruining their night-vision. 

Right until one caught that arrogant Hyuuga in the side, blasting a full quarter of his lower body away. 

… That was a leg, over there. 

Which. 

_Which_. 

Baki witnessed it - the explosion, the fire, the screaming. 

Well so much for the vaunted Hyuuga, he remembered thinking. They still died like any other human. 

Baki's team was taking care to chase the raiders away (who knew who was fostered to a tribe with ties to a tribe with _that_ tribe? The negotiations and ties of relation was a mess no one wanted to mess with), and Baki expected the Konoha team to put the whimpering Hyuuga out of his misery. 

Except. 

The Medic ran to his side, and just. Started doing something incredibly nausea-inducing with a kunai. 

"It's growing back wrong," he said, and Baki had no idea what that meant until. 

Another explosion and he could see the Hyuuga, grabbing his medic and. 

There was a lot of blood but. 

That was a - a - leg. Growing. _growing_ right in the glow of fire strong enough to melt sand into glass. 

In the morning, the Hyuuga was walking with a limp, and Baki's entire team avoided the Konoha for completely different reasons.

* * *

He was leading his own permanent team when he met the end. 

It had been more than a handful of years since that Uchiha girl in the arena - he'd boned up on his chemistry, and using obscuring jutsu, as well as whatever was around on hand, had long since become second nature. 

There had been no point trying to figure out how on earth the Uchiha were related - they _all_ were related to each other, all of them were perfectly able to face you with your own _goddamn_ jutsu, because one jutsu shown to just _one_ meant that eventually every other Konoha team would beat your ass with your own goddamn jutsu. 

And all of them made a point of wearing fire somewhere on their person. 

Because they were shits. 

(They thought it was _hilarious_ when most Suna nin took to carrying bags of sand with them. Once, _once_ , Hai resorted to using flour when he was in a mill.) 

(After the resultant explosion, one out of five Konoha teams started setting _sand_ on fire, resulting in terrifying rains of _molten_ glass. ) 

But this one - the _end_... 

Was sitting on Baki. 

"Hi," Shunshin no Shisui said, blinking huge eyes at him while perched on his chest from where he'd barrelled straight into Baki. 

And Baki, unfortunately, hadn't detected him fast enough because _Shunshin no Shisui_ had apparently taken his clan's vaunted speed and dialed it up to a thousand because he was _Uchiha_. 

"We aren't on any competing missions," Baki said immediately, while the rest of his team _ran the fuck away_. 

"Um, yeah?" the Uchiha said, blinking his stupidly pretty eyes at him, and Baki couldn't help but think of that girl from long ago, the way she'd smiled when she'd said, _You're cute_. 

"I knew that," the Uchiha continued. "But. But! You're perfect." 

"Why?" Baki said, trying to remain very still, keeping his gaze on the boy's - no, young man's - chin. 

He knew what Shisui's reputation was. He'd seen his work and Shunshin no Shisui didn't need a team to clear a town - all he had to do was walk in. 

"I've heard of you," Shisui said, leaning down, and this close, Baki couldn't help but note his ridiculously long eyelashes. The way they curved up, and he definitely had delicately arching cheekbones. 

"You have," Baki said, and he wondered what it'd feel like to have his heart burned out from inside out. 

"Yes," Shisui said, and then suddenly Baki had a mouthful of Uchiha. 

Oh. 

He was going to die now.

* * *

It was less an affair than some sort of weird illusionary dream. 

Baki had checked if it was a genjutsu _many_ times, but if anyone was trying to get information from him, it wasn't working, unless they wanted to know how that Uchiha jutsu worked. 

Which, Baki most definitely didn't know. 

Because it wasn't like Shisui ever _showed_ him the jutsu, just sometimes showed up in that inn his crow would tell Baki to come to, already female and ready to pounce. 

Baki was tracing down Shisui's spine, after one time, and wondered out loud, "Where's your flame?" 

"Mm?" Shisui turned, blinked cat-like at him. "Oh. That. That's _too_ dramatic," he said, "I'm _subtle_." 

Baki choked a little, but didn't explain when Shisui asked.

* * *

The end came when Baki showed up for their regular rendezvous and Shisui said, "I'm pregnant." 

Baki stared. 

"Shit," he said, immediately wondering when Shisui was going to eviscerate him. Or his clan. They weren't going to be happy about the whole, bloodline stealing thing. 

_Everyone_ knew about how bloodline stealing was taboo as fuck. 

"I'm sorry," Baki said before Shisui could try to rip out his guts - as pretty as Shisui would look doing it, he valued his internal organs inside himself. 

"Huh?" Shisui said, blinking at him. "That's not bad news! Oooooh. Right. You don't know." 

"Don't know what?" Baki said. 

"I'm Clan Heir," Shisui said, and while Baki's brain liquified a little, because _Clan heir_ , he'd been screwing the Uchiha Clan Heir for how many _months?!_ "So it's _Great news_!" 

"How is it great news?" Baki croaked. No one was going to be happy that he'd screwed a child into the _Uchiha Clan Heir_. 

No one. 

The Kazekage was going to murder him. And then Hokori-sama was going to skin him and make him into a puppet. 

And that was going to be the least painful because - 

"Now I can't be Clan Heir," Shisui said cheerfully. "I'll tell my Father that I want to marry you instead." 

\-- because the _Uchiha_ were going to rip him apart with molten glass for defiling their clan heir.

* * *

"-- _and_ ," Shisui said, "I'm _pregnant_."

The silence after that was equally pregnant; that is, small, intense, and extremely precarious. 

At least on Baki's side. 

"How long," Shisui's father asked. 

"How long have I been with Baki, or how long am I pregnant." 

There was a slightly complicated expression on Shisui's father's face, and Baki would commiserate except that was _the Uchiha Clan Head_. 

"Both. In that order." 

"Eight months," Shisui said. "And seven weeks, respectively." 

"And you're… pleased with that," said an older Uchiha, who was wearing his curly hair in a short braid - he was shorter than Shisui, and quite a bit older but something about his eyes told Baki that he was related to Shisui. 

(And how terrifying it was, that he knew _precisely_ Shisui's features so well, that he could guess who were his direct relatives.) 

"Yes, I want to be his _Wife_ ," Shisui said, a little defiantly, and Baki was very, VERY sure he was going to die, because that older Uchiha was now LOOKING at Baki, intently. And even without his sharingan activated, Baki felt like his brain was being rifled through. Or maybe just his soul. Either. He felt Shisui's hand tighten on his. 

"You want to be his _Wife_ ," the older Uchiha. 

"There's never been a Wife be a Clan _head_ before," Shisui said. 

"True," Shisui's father said, and he was looking at Shisui. "What better time than to start now?" 

" _What_ ," Shisui said.

* * *

"It's high time we had any inter-village unions," Shisui's father said, ignoring Shisui's wailing with an ease that said he'd had plenty of practice. 

"I think so too," said another Uchiha, her smile exactly like a shark, and terrifyingly familiar, and whom Shisui's father had introduced as his _Father_ , and Baki had only suffered a slight hint of dissonance. 

(Because everyone knew how Konoha _was_ , what with _that_ Jutsu that Shisui had been using to get himself pregnant.) 

"It would be good for Shisui," Shisui's… grandfather(?) said blithely. "A bit of a shake-up from the usual run of things. Always knew he'd be a bit of a wild-child, and he can settle down now." 

"I was _not_ a wild-child, grandfather!" Shisui yelped. "And no one's ever - ever - no one would agree to me being Clan head now!" 

He sounded a little desperate. Baki patted his shoulder in consolation. 

"You're not very traditional, are you, Baki-kun?" Shisui's grandfather asked, ignoring Shisui. "I know some of the Wind families still stick with these… biological normativity." 

"They're a minority, Uchiha… san." Baki said stiffly, still trying to place where he'd seen her smile. "I am not one of them." 

"Good, good. Because we all know Shisui isn't really going to leave the Clan." 

"I _would_! I could! I am a _Wife_!" 

"No Uchiha _leaves_ ," the older Uchiha who had not been introduced, but Shisui's grandfather had just reached over and curled her hand in his, so Baki had an inkling that the man might well be Shisui's grand… someone, said. 

"But then I can't be Uchiha clan head!" Shisui cried desperately. 

"Don't be silly, boy," said a NEW voice, a much OLDER voice, and Baki straightened a little when he felt a huge, crackling chakra fill the room, even if no one else seemed to react more. "You have a million cousins. Any of them can take the position." 

"Oh," Shisui said, stymied. 

"Tou-chan," Shisui's grandfather said long-sufferingly, "You're spoiling our _fun_." 

When the white-haired old man chuckled, moved into the better lit area of the room, Baki almost felt his heart stop. 

Because suddenly he remembered where he'd seen that smile. 

It was the same smile on that old white-haired man's face. 

And the exact same one he'd seen carved on Konoha's monument. 

"I live to spoil your fun, kiddos," Uchiha Fucking Madara said, and grinned wide at Baki.

* * *

The wedding was terrifying. 

Everything about being in Konoha, surrounded by every Uchiha _ever_ , was terrifying. Every one of them came up to smile at him, shake his hand, and then _linger_ , while Baki braced for something to catch fire. 

Nothing did, but they all had this knowing smile. 

The only one who didn't was this little one dressed like a priest, who only came up to Shisui and knocked him lightly on the temple and said, "I told you so, didn't I?" 

"Shut up, Tachi-kun," Shisui said, but at least he didn't look like he was panicking anymore. 

No, why would he be panicking? He was surrounded by his Clan, his family, and while Baki had had months of getting used to Shisui, the immunity didn't extend to the rest of his terrifying and gorgeously lethal family. 

He was fairly sure he'd probably seen that girl from the Chuunin exam again, a stately woman now who had smiled knowingly at him and brushed glittery fingers across Baki's palm. 

(She said she was Shisui's aunt. And then had smirked while Baki tried to fit her into his rapidly expanding mental map of Shisui's stupidly complex family tree.) 

At the centre of it all, Uchiha Fucking Madara sat, white haired and smiling at the children - but every time Baki looked towards him, he had that shark's grin just for Baki. 

All he'd said before the wedding, besides spoiling his daughter's fun, was, "You look like a good one." 

And Baki hoped he'd never have to hear him say ANYTHING again. 

Except. 

Except. 

The wedding ceremony - when they had to offer the sake to the head of the clan? 

It wasn't to Uchiha's Father, nor to Shisui's grandfather. 

Because the world's most terrifying Uchiha was still fucking alive and tapping his cane against his leg… 

They offered the sake to HIM. 

And because _Baki's_ immediate family had passed away, _and_ he was apparently marrying into the Clan… 

They offered Uchiha Fucking Madara the sake _twice_. 

"Welcome," Madara said, to Baki, accepting the first cup from him and his smile was as white as his hair. "To the Clan. You're going to treat Shisui well aren't you?" 

Baki dropped the second cup of sake on his lap, his fingers had gone so frozen. 

There was a very _expectant_ silence. 

_I have dropped sake,_ Baki thought, and it was a very loud thought, _on the Demon King's lap_. 

"Tou-chan," Shisui's grandfather said reproachfully. 

"What, sweetheart?" Uchiha 'Eradicator of Villages with a blink of his eyes' Madara said. 

"Stop giving the poor boy a heart-attack, Otou-sama," Shisui's other grandparent said reproachfully.

"You used to be such a disrespectful brat, Kagami-kun," Uchiha 'I razed Yamagakure down to make a point and I'm not afraid to raze yours down too' Madara said. "Where did that go?" 

Kagami - oh, _OH_ it was Uchiha 'I melt brains' Kagami! - frowned slightly. "I apologise for my rudeness of my youth, Otou-sama." 

Madara opened his mouth, and Baki said, hurriedly, without thinking, "I apologise profusely, heika." 

Madara stared at him. 

".... I'm going to just say," Uchiha 'there are villages who don't exist thanks to me' Madara said, gaze darkening "we should skip to the shrine visit. Right now." 

He stood up, barely leaning on his cane, his white hair a huge sweep of dismissal as he left, clearly and utterly offended. 

Shisui's grandfather snickered. 

"Oh don't look like that, Baki-kun - it's fine, heh," she said, "Kaga-nii, don't poke me, Otou-chan needs a bit of that now and then." 

"Your grandfather," Baki said, very quietly, to Shisui, "calls Uchiha Madara _daddy_." 

"Yes," Shisui said, peeking up at him from under the wataboshi. "She's always done that?" 

Baki tried to say how inappropriate it WAS but, Shisui looked like he was going to shrug, so he shut his mouth and followed them all to the shrine.

* * *

The shrine visit should have taken place the next day - Baki had hoped for a day's - or at least a morning's breathing space, but because Uchiha 'I probably ate all the prior Kage for breakfast' Madara was upset Baki hadn't apologised fast enough, they were going to do the shrine visit right now. 

It was a large shrine - big enough for Shisui's immediate family at once, and the - Konoha's founder was standing there looking at. 

The tablet was right in front, right in the centre, and where the others were dark wood with painted gold, this was pale wood, painted red. 

_Uchiha Tobirama_. 

He'd known it was going to happen. He'd braced for it. 

But it still - 

The silence was hushed. Uchiha Madara inhaled, loudly. Shisui's grandfather sniffled quietly. 

Uchiha Kagami took a deep, heavy breath. "Sensei…" 

"They're always like this," Shisui murmured, very quietly. "When they look at the shrine." 

"Why wouldn't they?" It was Uchiha Tobirama. It was the God of _Storms_. 

He. 

Paused a little, thinking. 

Uchiha Tobirama. That wasn't a common name at all; there was literally only one other instance he'd heard it as … _Senju Tobirama_. 

"Water Country's Hadou no Kami," Baki breathed. 

He'd seen the shrines there. 

The God of Waves. 

"Kiri is full of _idiots_ if they think they can fucking steal him from Fire Country," Uchiha 'I burn with the passion of a thousand suns' Madara snarled. 

"You mean 'they're not gonna steal kaa-chan from you, otou-chan'," Shisui's grandfather said mildly. 

"Hmph," Madara said. 

"They literally have plays," Baki murmured to Shisui. "I've seen them." 

Plays of where the God of Waves had arrived on huge tidal waves - from whence, Baki realised that the plays had carefully not said - and taken up residence in the Capital's shrine. 

… 

Shisui shrugged. "Don't talk too loudly about those? Not where Jiji can hear anyway." 

Baki just _looked_ at him. That was _Uchiha 'Demon King' Madara_! 

Shisui just tipped his head up and snuck a kiss to his chin, grinning while Baki's brain fizzled. 

"Well," Madara said, while Baki tried to get his brain back online, "Tobirama. Look who your great-grandson brought back home." 

Baki twitched a little. 

"He's absolutely terrified of me," Madara said and Baki thought he could SEE the sharp edge of his smile. "It's adorable." 

"Tou-chan," Shisui's grandfather said reprovingly. "Don't scare him away. I _like_ him." 

"I didn't say anything," Madara said, "It's not like I made him spill sake on me, did I?" 

Baki winced. 

"He's very sorry," Uchiha 'brain melter' Kagami said. "I think… Sensei would approve." 

"Yeah," Madara said, after a moment. And turned around to look at Baki. "Well. Short of a tsunami showing up, I think you're good, boy. Welcome to the family." 

His smile was still terrifying, even in the soft lamplight of the family shrine. 

(Those were two gods, literally, looking at Baki) 

"See you in the morning," Madara said, smile sharp and terrible. "If you survive it." 

END

* * *

NOTES:  


this was written in one sitting on... *check notes* 6 Feb 2020. Fuck. :D 

Way before the ending of aSoS was done, so if there's some timeline pokery off, well, i'm not going to edit this Masterpiece lolololol  


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Technically when Baki first saw his first Uchiha, [this is the flak jacket](https://naruto.fandom.com/wiki/Flak_Jacket?file=Konoha_flak_jacket-_older_version.png) he saw - he's old enough that this was the older version after all. (Baki's 30 at the beginning of the series, and Kakashi's 26/27. I typically pin Shisui as 4 years younger so he's 22 to Baki's 30, so he's merely 8 years younger than Baki. :D)  
(Forget the goddamn ages of when he become genin and chuunin - i'd say Shisui is at least 16 when he meets Baki, so that means Baki's at least 24) 

Random Suna Nin OCs:  
Ryuusha 流砂 quicksand  
Hai 灰 ash  


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**Author's Note:**

> Hokori - dust. In the similar fashion that The Hokage's spymaster is Kemuri (which means smoke, linked to the fact that Kemuri is from FIRE because smoke can be seen, but is also all around and cannot be TOUCHED), I totally proposed to Evocates that since Konoha is essentially THE institution that every other Village is going to blatantly rip off in a fun time of institutional mimicry, They all will name their spymasters something along similar lines of thought:
> 
> a) Sunagakure's Kazekage (wind)'s spymaster is Hokori (dust) - reason is self evident, hello dust in a desert  
> b) Kumogakure, Raikage, Zanzou (Afterimage, because that has no 'source', and it's burned into your eyes lol )  
> c) Iwagakure, Tsukikage, Hankyou (反響, Echo, which is the signal for an avalanche)  
> d) Kirigakure's Mizukage (water)'s spymaster is Hikari (light, because if you're deep enough underwater, light literally bounces off within water and it's fucking difficult to see the direction OF light. Light's everywhere, no source. See Snell's window)
> 
> * * *
> 
> I'm not going to lay out the Uchiha actual family tree but: Hakuun/Kagami popped out several kids, the oldest who is Rishiri ( 利尻) who had Shisui, who is a Very Special Kid, and unlike Rishiri's siblings and cousins, is an _only_ child. The reason why would be kinda more obvious in the next fic I'll post next week.
> 
> Mikoto on the other hand descends from Izuna, so technically she's not _main family_ in the traditional sense, since main family follows only the straight line of descent from Clan Leader to Heir. But because Madara essentially treats Izuna's (and Hikaku's) kids as his own, they brought up all their kids as siblings rather than Cousins. Mikoto descends directly from a _Founder_. within the Uchiha, she's basically "main". 
> 
> She marries Fugaku and Fugaku is overwhelmed by the Very Tajima Intensity that runs through ALL his descendants, and pops out Itachi almost immediately after their marriage. Sasuke comes along five years later.
> 
> Surprise, Baki! You're now an Ambassador! 
> 
> Also, you're Uchiha. ~~One of us, one of us!~~
> 
> So basically this is based on POST _a symbol of subjugation_ , and it's really a clownfish AU but… yeah. 
> 
> And then I had a LOT of fun coming up with ways that Uchiha can be fucking terrifying without the mangekyou -- because really, if Kakashi was known as the Sharingan no Kakashi and the Copy Nin, there was a reason why those abilities were _terrifying_. 
> 
> And if you go with the fact that fire jutsu - well you could have big ass fires, sure, but the tiny, surgical precise application of fire is probably more terrifying. 
> 
> And Uchiha are _metalsmiths_. First there's the fact that fires need to be well controlled when dealing with normal smithing. 
> 
> Then there're all the _other_ metals in the periodic table that are frankly speaking, terrifying when they combust in oxygen. 
> 
> Probably poisonous as fuck. :D Arsenic, by the way, is a metalloid, and burns BLUE. 
> 
> :D :D :D :D 
> 
> Every Uchiha is going to come by to Pat and Poke Baki - there's not been an "outsider's marriage" since the FOUNDERS' ERA - because once the Village was founded, any inter-clan marriage was from within the Konoha's clans. 
> 
> They all think Shisui has Great Taste. 
> 
> Shisui is an only child, which is why he panicked about the heirship - forgetting completely that if he really didn't want to be Clan leader, there were literally cousins via his Father's siblings, or from Madara's OTHER children : ie Hakuun's siblings' & their children, and if NONE Of them wanted, there were STILL YET Izuna's own children and their children. 
> 
> Tsk tsk Shisui, trying [_Genital Geometry's_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18720778) tactic was utterly unnecessary. 
> 
> And yes, Madara has a reputation as *the* Hokage to end all Hokage. There is after all the fact that he razed Yamagakure, and it's fixed in his reputation. He's called Demon _king_ at one point - Heika (your highness/majesty) as a totally serious, not at all joke, really, stop hitting me, Madara! By Hashirama, and it … uh, stuck as an in-joke to the Founders but people not from Konoha really think it's Madara's actual term of address. 
> 
> Madara was pouting, not angry, but it's not like anyone cared to enlighten baki about it. :P


End file.
